Remember, no-one deserves to be bullied.
All sorts of people who are now very successful adults were bullied when they were young. It is encouraging to know that it is possible to succeed, in spite of being tormented at school. All of these well-known people were bullied in some way at school. Kate Winslet, Gareth (from Pop Idols), Patsy Palmer (ex EastEnders), Sarah Cox and many others such as:
Whitney Houston reports having bad memories of school because she was teased about her looks by some girls. Michelle Pfeiffer was also teased about her looks especially her lips and was nicknamed Michelle Mudturtle. She is reported as saying that at first she ran home crying. She later fought back: "I became a bully and a tomboy and used to beat up all the boys." (Rynning, 3/4/93, New Idea, p.10)
Tom Cruise and Kevin Costner say they were bullied because they had to change schools a lot. Tom Cruise was also given a hard time about having a learning problem. He was suspended from school for getting into fights. Mel Gibson moved to Australia from New York when he was 12. He was taunted for being chubby and because of his American accent. Mel Gibson is reported as saying that "at first, no one liked me, they made rude remarks about me, cut me to the bone . . . My sense of humour kept the bullies away." (Rynning, 3/4/93, New Idea, p.11)
Have you been picked on for a long time and feel you have lost your self-confidence? Do you also feel trapped with no one to turn to? If this is happening to you, then you are being bullied. Bullying is different from having fights with your friends, because although fights are unpleasant, they are not as serious. Find out how you may be able to help yourself or a friend who is being bullied at school.
Most people think that if you talk to yourself, you must be mad . . . but we all talk to ourselves all the time. It's a healthy way of processing what's happening to us. If you are giving yourself a lot of negative messages, you will find it harder to get out of the trap you feel you are in.
What feelings do I have about this?
I'm feeling . . .
embarrassed |
depressed |
frustrated |
nervous |
angry |
helpless |
shame |
guilt |
numb |
These feelings can stop you from getting help
Have I had any of these thoughts?
These thoughts can stop you asking for help
Instead, why not ask yourself these questions:
What have I done so far? Did they help or did it make things worse? Make up a list. Congratulate yourself for things you've handled well. Forgive yourself for losing it sometimes. (People with faith use prayer and other ways of doing this.) Be your own best friend.
The first important thing to do is to work out a list of people to talk to who will help you work things out and help you.
First let's look at what might stop you from talking to other people.
You may think that:
"I should be able to cope" |
"No one will believe me" |
"They'll say it's my fault" |
"They'll get back at me" |
You have the rights. You have a right to feel happy and safe at school.
Some of the things happening to you may in fact be illegal (e.g. stealing, physical assault).
Remember: It's okay to ask for help
If someone threatens you or hurts you, it is not acceptable and you need to seek support. Asking for help is your right and is different from 'dobbing'. Fighting back may only land you in trouble.
You can ring Childline on 0800 11 11
Talking about things takes away the secret of what they are saying and doing to you.
Two helpful hints are:
Take each day at a time.
Feel good about small changes.
If you problem is before or after school, ask for other transport arrangements until the problem is solved.
Join groups or activities where you feel safe and you will build up your friendships with others and increase your self-esteem. As strategies put into place start to make a difference, give feedback to those who have supported you. If the bullying re-occurs talk to these people immediately to get their help again. If the people who are bullying you are old friends or in the 'cool' crowd, it might be time to seek new friends.
Pretend not to hear the comments. Use self-talk which is a silent message that can be repeated such as "That's their problem not mine" or"I'm OK" or distract yourself by thinking about other positive things. Imagine an invisible shield or warm light that surrounds you and bounces the words off. Find other ways not to believe the hurtful comments. Respond to bullying in an assertive way. Stand in a strong but not threatening way, look the bully in the eye, count silently to 5 and say something like: "I don't like that and I want you to stop" and then walk away. Another way is to use "distraction" responses which confuses the bully with quips such as "maybe" or "if you say so". Learn breathing and other techniques which can help you develop more confident body language and responses. Books and courses, e.g. Yoga, can teach these skills.
You can practice this on your own. It often helps to ask a friend, parent or school counsellor to practice these techniques.
If your friend or some one you know is being bullied, let them know about these ideas and work out a plan of action together. Be confident that there is someone that will help you and that things will change for the better. These ideas have worked for others so they can also work for you!
Explore you feelings: Analyse your thoughts: Reflect on your actions so far: Work out a plan of action: Ask for help and keep working at it
'Dobbing' is what someone does if they tell on another person for something they have been involved in, which is illegal or against the rules. They usually dob on another person to get out of trouble.
'Asking for help' is what someone does when something has been done to a person against their wishes. All people have the right to ask for help if their right to safety and sense of well-being has been violated.
Coosje is a parent, teacher and registered psychologist. She works for the Education Department of Western Australia. She has worked with hundreds of young people, teachers and parents to help solve the problem of bullying in schools in WA and interstate. Coosje was awarded a Churchill Fellowship and also studied bullying overseas.
She teaches methods to change the behaviour of people who bully and school culture rather than methods that rely on revenge and punishment. She also encourages preventative measures such as school programs and policies, and how to be an effective bystander. The strategies she offers are based on experience and research.