What is Domestic Violence/Abuse?
Domestic violence/abuse is the physical, sexual, financial or emotional abuse
inflicted on a man or woman by their partner. Women are the usual victims,
perhaps as many as 1 in 4 women are abused by a partner. Violence by women
towards male partners is rare, but does occur. Violence is more likely
when there are children in the household. It often starts during pregnancy
or after childbirth. Domestic violence has been involved in around half
the separations that happen each year.
Domestic abuse is not about anger, its about control. It is one person’s
deliberate actions to control the other. Domestic abuse is a crime and thrives
on secrecy and lies. Society in general must recognise it as reprehensible
behaviour and work towards it being as socially unacceptable as other crimes.
Living with domestic violence is hard for the children as well as the adult.
About a quarter of people reading this website will have lived with or still
be living with a parent or carer who is being abused by the other parent
or another partner. Every experience is different as each individual has
different ways of coping with the situation. Sometimes children and young
people who live with domestic violence can experience the following:
- Fear and helplessness, guilt or shame, isolation
- Blaming the abuser
or trying to stop them
- Blaming the victim for not standing up to the abuser
or leaving
- Injuries from trying to intervene
- Helping to protect brothers and sisters
- Not wanting to bring friends
home
- Wishing someone would help or wishing everyone would stop interfering
- Getting
involved in police or social services proceedings
- Throwing self into school,
college or work
- Missing school or college, staying at home to protect the
victim
If you are living with domestic violence, remember the abuser is completely
responsible for the violence - you, your brothers and sisters,
and the parent being abused are not to blame. You may not understand why
the abused
parent
stays or stayed in the relationship, but maybe it's because they
don't or didn't want to deprive you of a parent, or they don't know what
to do
or
where to go, or they don't know that it isn't OK, or because
they think you don't know. If you talk to them, you might understand better,
but
you will
also be able to tell them how you feel - they may have thought
you feel completely differently, or that you don't know.
What you can do if you are living with a parent who is being abused:
If it helps you and it is safe for you, you could do any of the following:
- Talk to a friend, school or college counsellor, trusted adult about
what is going on.
- Stay out of the way when an attack is taking place and
keep brothers
and sisters out of the way.
- Call the police. Before you have to do
this, try to talk to the parent being abused. She or he may not want you
to do it, but sometimes
they may be relieved
you want to. You may want to work out a code word between
you that she or he can use to let you know they need you to call the police.
- Talk to the parent who is being abused - tell them how you feel. They
may not know how you feel and may think of leaving their partner
if they know it is upsetting you. If you are worried that your parents might
split
up
and you don't want them to, talking to the parent concerned
about what is going on will usually help both of you.
- Try to keep yourself as
safe as possible.
Adapted from the BBC Hitting Home Campaign 2003
You may suffer emotional harm if
- you are abused
- you see others in the family being abused
- you have to defend someone else
in the family
- you are being encouraged or made to join in the abuse
- your mother becomes
depressed or starts to drink too much
- other people avoid your family because
they know what is going on – you
may lose friends and find it hard to make new
ones
- you may lose a parent through separation, or even death
- you leave with
your mother, then have little money, have to move, lose your friends and
have to start at a new school.
- your parents separate and the arguments actually
get worse
- you are being used as a pawn in your parents’ legal battles
